After Neil capitulated, licking out my sticky sex, begging to be allowed to remain part of my life….. there was a five week gap. Yes, five weeks and it was probably a time of hell for poor Neil. He looked so drawn and haggard! I was dating Leon (of course) and, at my lover’s instruction, I wasn’t explaining very much about our reaction to Neil’s abject submission. Of course I dressed sexily to go out with my man and there were some nights when I slept over at his place. Neil never knew exactly whether I would be home for supper, whether I would even be there for breakfast.
Naturally Ellie our daughter wondered why I was away so much and I explained that I was busy with the new work. I had given up nursing and worked now as an interior designer, so I had to travel a lot and work odd hours. It was vital to reserve our adult lifestyle from Ellie, so we kept those moments when Neil silently licked me out very much to ourselves. Neil was too embarrassed to ask, too unnerved to ask about my date, or what next, but he would look at me with pleading eyes and when I said ‘alright’ he would slide down onto his knees and delicately lick my well exercised sex. It was sweet, sensuous, toileting sometimes, like he was my maid. Once he had licked all the excess spunk from my sex, he would then draw me a bath, or set out clothes that I wanted on the bed. It was silent submission and very very generous.
I’d required Neil to sleep in another bedroom as the master was to become my boudoir. That was something that I insisted on. Still working to keep such intimate things clear of Ellie I explained that daddy snored a lot. Still, Margaret (mum in law, remember) picked up on it saying that she had been told that daddy had to sleep in another room. It alarmed Margaret, I know that it did, and so we moved towards the meeting, the summary of new life terms that Neil would have to accede to if he was ever to stay. Leon and I had discussed them a lot and we went back to the Boathouse pub for what Leon called the marriage armistice. Neil would surrender what being a husband really was and become something else, a supplement, a support. Leon would become my partner. Once Neil had submitted to the terms, once we started to live our new way, then I could better deal with Margaret and her concerns.
You might imagine that these arrangements are based on an ever growing list of rules. The trouble with that though is that rules rarely capture the evolving circumstances of new living, they either grow like topsy to cope or else lead to despair when someone like Neil doesn’t know how best to behave. So Leon said that we should instead live by five principles and that once a week Neil should have permission to ask about their evolving interpretation. He should alway address his concerns to us both, there was never to be divide and rule measures used.
I remember that Neil was at the pub first and seated out on the deck, privately apart from others, when Leon and I arrived in his Porsche. I wore skinny jeans, cavalier black leather boots and a black blouse with balcony bra. It was a bit vamp, but it did seem to make me look other, beyond reach to Neil when we arrived. I noticed that he bowed his head to Leon as we met and went to get us the drinks we requested. The smallest gestures create a frisson and that one did too. I liked it that Neil was submitting to Leon. I wanted this to proceed and to begin on firm ground. Promise, if you are a bitch, whilst there are moments of doubt, there are moments of great conviction too!
When the drinks were brought back, Leon waited. The sun was setting over the Severn and lamps had been lit outside. It wasn’t cold, but it was slowly growing dark and intimate. I wondered what Neil would say, how he would couch his submission? When it came it was simple, sort of sweet and very direct.
‘Look… Leon, I… I accept it all. Chloe loves you, she wants to be with you. I need to be something to her, I need something in support of Ellie too… please don’t make Chloe divorce me.’
I wanted to console Neil, to touch his hand or something, but clearly that could confuse. I knew that Leon had to be the boss now. The men had to relate, in a proper way. I would have to explain that, somehow, later, to Margaret.
‘OK’ drawled Leon. He seemed easy, completely unphased by this, his victory over the other man who for years I had assumed was enough for me. ‘But there are going to be five principles you live by man, and you ask about them, petition regarding them, only when you speak with us both.’
So… here they are. They’re the principles that I deftly summarised with Margaret in another conversation, a week or two later, walking in a park, my mother in law fretting and questioning as we walked.
Leon and I always first
This one seems abstract I know but its grounded in several requirements. That Leon and I have sex, as much as we want, wherever and whenever. Neil has to accept that I have chosen and Leon has won. To symbolise that, (this is important) Neil was to wear a cock cage. Of course I wouldn’t let Neil fuck me, but it was way more psychologically powerful than that. It stopped Neil from easily, satisfyingly masturbating. It stopped him using us to work out a shandy fantasy.
Leon and I would always be the primary sexual actors, the players if you like. Caged cock, Neil would be less, something lower league. Neil would come, with supplicant mouth to my sex, hands behind his back. When he was ready to, when he needed to, he would be allowed to suck Leon’s cock. We would consider Neil’s applications to watch us fuck, to co operate, but it would all be on the basis of humility. Leon assured me that denied relief Neil would cry quickly accept that I was too good for him and work to please us. I had no reason, given Leon’s experience, to doubt that assessment.
There was another expression of this principle though, one subtle but equally powerful. Neil was never to ‘bad mouth’ us, our lifestyle to others. His capitulation had to be complete and reinforced by approving, supportive, respectful words and acts that celebrated what we explored together. I remember how Neil flinched at that. Right thinking, right speaking would be much harder than simply doing sex in a supplicant way. Leon tested him a moment later.
‘So why is Chloe with me rather than you then?’
I watched Neil’s face colour red in an instant.
‘Because you’re better than me… because she’s too good for me’ he stammered. Still…. he got the words out.
I remember Neil looking at me after he spoke. He wondered whether I enjoyed seeing him humiliated. I did. I know, that’s awful. But cuckold sex feeds on many things.
He asked us about babies. He had read about ‘breeding’. Leon smiled and squeezed my hand. ‘Way ahead man, a deeper level of commitment. We’ll talk again as necessary.’
Neil seemed relieved.
Humble Neil involvement always promised
You cannot leave a cuck out in the cold, provided that he is humble. Leon explained that. The menage a trois is fed three ways, cuck and mistress, the alpha lovers and cuck and master. No matter how masochistic a man might be, he has to be engaged, to be nurtured in some way, over the longer term, by the new living. Of course, in its simplest terms that was Neil being allowed to lick my sex when he had behaved well. It involved being allowed to suck Leon’s cock ready to take me, or to clean it after inseminating me. That which seemed dire, dirty, disgusting, had the potential to feel fulfilling, engaged, exciting and intimate, once Neil’s mind was reframed.
Leon was fucking me as he explained it. I had to be a bitch to Neil so that he craved recognition and then when that was granted, it always had to celebrate Leon and I. The intimacies swirled around and around, but whatever the role, however humble it was, it had to have a purpose that the parties wanted. I felt Leon ejaculating hard inside of me, my sex spasming hard on his shaft.
‘He’s to lick your balls whilst you fuck me’ I moaned.
‘Yeah!’ groaned Leon.
‘He’s to be welcomed in to that, to be required to do it?’
Leon grunted loudly. I was still so snug and tight on him.
‘When we want it, but regular enough bitch, OK?’
I kissed him eagerly. His power Made my head spin, the strength of his mind, his iron attitude.
Of course if Neil wasn’t humble/supportive, then he would go without. The cause and effect reaction had to be absolute, unwavering. Only by such discipline would Neil learn and assume a new identity, something dirty, daring, bohemian perhaps, something that said ‘screw convention’.
Ellie a little princess
We both agreed that Ellie shouldn’t be exposed to the intimacies of our lifestyle, to have it described until she reached adulthood. Children deserve childhood and they need space and time to work out their own values and preferred living. Sex is a very powerful thing, not to be ignored, but only to be discussed when a young person is mature enough to understand. That meant that sex was always to be private. For sure it would be accepted that Leon lived at our house sometimes, that he slept over. It would be obvious, required, that Neil deferred to him. But the use of terms like master, mistress, miss was something kept apart from routine home living.
I remember listening to Leon in awe as he explained this to Neil. My husband seemed so terribly grateful. He was so ashamed at being beaten I suppose. Then though Leon went on to the more practical and philosophical matters that related to the principle. First, Ellie was to be raised as a little princess, discerning and spoilt, confident in her own rights and judgements. I knew that Neil thought this meant Ellie being raised to be a little bitch when she grew up, but I didn’t care. Life should be on a woman’s terms too. Ellie would of course continue to have mixed friendships and raised to despise racism. Neil nodded.
Leon then told Neil that when Ellie was old enough she would be sent to private boarding school at his expense. there would be monthly weekends spent at home. Not only would this teach her discerning attitudes but it would ensure that she wan’t prematurely exposed to intimate lifestyle developing at home. Leon and I wanted parties, our friends around, Neil understood, didn’t he? Well, he did, reluctantly, he did.
The last point forewarned Neil of this one. The living wasn’t going to be a ‘sneaking around’ thing. There were hip people bold and imaginative enough to celebrate another lifestyle. I would teach Margaret how things were. If she wanted to keep seeing her grand daughter, if she wanted to check the adjustment of her son to new living, well she would go with the flow.
I know this hurt Neil, there was a huge tear in his eye, eager to run. But he wiped it aside and nodded.
‘We’ll do this gradually, sensitively,’ I told him, ‘for friends lost there will be friends gained. Some will think you so generous, so kind, so.. well considerate.’
I was touching his cheek as I spoke. Neil kissed my hand and Leon smiled.
‘It’s political Neil’ Leon said gently, ‘we need to quietly insist on the right to live another way, to enable others to fairly assess whether it’s for them too.’
Do you know how powerful that felt to me as a woman? Consider, its the right to live in different ways with two men, to assign roles and to build a disciplined way of living that enables a woman to feel doubly supported and very contented. Women have always known how to love in different ways and to share and apportion affection. Leon was stating that starkly.
Leave with nothing
The last principle was brutal and about now. The house was in my name, but if Neil left now, then I would allocate him a share of the property sale and Ellie and I would live with Leon. If Neil lived our way though, if he left after failing to commit to the bargain, then he left with nothing.
Neil asked me, ‘how can you know you want this so absolutely, so completely?’
I looked at Leon. ‘I know’ I said. ‘I know what I will do too if you can’t explore with us, what will be necessary then.’
It was an astonishingly brutal thing to say. But by then well into the relationship, the change, I did know.
I remember, like it was yesterday, we had reached the ornamental pond, in the park, the mandarin ducks circling, when I finished describing the principles that we would live by and which her son had consented to. She wanted to call me a bitch, but that merely confirmed something I knew, even understood better than she now.
Her face was white, the silk scarf around her neck quivering as she spoke.
‘You… that man….. you’re humiliating Neil’ she whispered.
‘We’re not pretending to be happily married in the conventional way, ‘ I retorted quietly but firmly, ‘Neil and I rarely had sex, we played house and did nice genteel things like going to the theatre.’
‘You’ve made sex, your selfish needs, everything!’ exclaimed Margaret.
I nodded. ‘Have you asked Neil how much ‘sex’ he has had with me since we started living this way? Have you asked him how that compares with before?’
My companion shrugged her shoulders.
‘Dirty sex, unnatural sex…’ she insisted.
‘Intimate sex, sensuous sex, slow sex that isn’t wham bam thank you mam sex!’ I felt my temper fraying. ‘Did your husband ever go down on you? Did you ever fancy another man or even have a fling? Were you ever a sexual being after the wedding was done!?’ My voice rose.
Margaret looked shaken.
‘Sorry!’ I said and touched her arm. I hadn’t planned the conversation this way. I hadn’t planned to argue so stridently.
Margaret dabbed her nose with an handkerchief. It would be days later that she admitted that she had never enjoyed cunnilingus, that she felt, well, ignorant. Toby, Neil’s now deceased father, had not been an expressive, a sexual man.
‘I am not abandoning Neil Margaret, I am living with him differently. He is learning to relate to Leon. We are protecting Ellie, ensuring that she has an excellent upbringing. I want you to spoil her. We want you to help her become so confident, so sure. Neil wants that.’
‘Yes… I know’ said Margaret.
‘Leon wants to meet you. He wants to take you to see Les Miserables… he has tickets for a box at the theatre.’
Margaret stared at me, her face in shock.
‘ He’ll have lunch with you alone first. Then, at the theatre you’ll be with all of us, me, Neil, so that you can learn. We don’t want you pushed out’ I insisted.
‘Do you love Leon?’ she asked.
I smiled. We don’t have modern terms do we. Not for the nuances of affection. Not even a million words for love would quite be enough.
‘Yes’ I answered at last.
‘Do you love Neil?’ she asked quietly, without challenge or malice in her voice.
‘Not in the exclusive way you have known, not in the way you may be hope for now’ I answered.
‘Sex… life, you’ve pulled them together’ she said.
I squeezed her arm.
‘We need some coffee, agreed?’
I have to tell you that explaining the above to Margaret was the hardest thing that I have ever done. It was so intimate, so private, but the understanding of it was so important. Ellie needs her grandma, Neil needed a mother who would try to understand what we did and her son contributed. There were going to need to be people who thought of Neil as brave, loving and considerate, rather than weak, sick or strange. I didn’t know how Neil thought about sex before I went with Leon. I pushed my husband into the change. It was my responsibility to help Neil through that.